in order to live with love in this world
you have to grip your fragile ego by its shoulders
and ask it if it’s ready to slip away for a while.
parting with it is difficult.
It will moan until thick streams of money pour out of its open throat.
It will beg until you’re choked by the social embarrassment of locking it out.
It will remind you that the world is about you
it’s all about you
parting with it is difficult.
It’s taking me years. I still struggle.
So when you ask me to show you how,
I hesitate because-
this should be on you.
My girl is a storm cloud. Heavy with the weight of all that she carries she is trembling but still she marches. Forward. She teaches me the meaning of perseverance. She teaches me that taking that quivering lead shell of anxiety around love and opening it to her is not weakness. It is trust and trust is a sword.
My girl is a serpent. She sees that I believe that I am snakelike- un-lovable, deceitful, un-caring. She laughs and tells me to suck my venom dry from the throats of young boys and aim to strike something bigger than them, bigger than her. She is well versed in the fight, her coils are scarred with losses and lessons.
My girl is 7 in the morning. She is the dizziness from getting out of bed too fast. She is fucking unbearable. She is also the pill that you need to swallow to make it through the day; she is also the shock of pink dawn; she is also the yellow door-frame halfway through the commute. You’ve never seen it before but you’d never miss it now.
You told her that /time was constructed/ and she was too young to hear it.
An eye for raw denim, pressed powder, bottom shelf- highest percentage.
Constructed by whom?
/Who but the rulers of the sky who rake their fingers through the clouds and weave the atmosphere into golden nylon
Who have used a thick needle to push and pull that string through your skull
Even when you’re gloriously blank, laid down in crunchy leaves in autumn- drifting off into the spin cycle- listening to songs from days that have died in your legs/your throat/your stomach- do you feel it tugging?
FOR A LIMITED _____ ONLY!
RUNNING OUT OF ______.
I don’t have _______.
I don’t have _______./
An eye for top shelf- highest percentage, pressed cheekbones, raw silk.
You told her that /that nylon string makes a beautiful cocoon to hibernate in until everyone is gone./
Carefully weave thorn-covered vines through the memories that you don’t want, let your fingers bleed, let them cry for your stupidity
I used to look at your sleeping face and imagine a child that I’d never wanted before
Shove the memories down your throat and swallow, may you bleed internally and suffer for months, may you smile widely at your dearest friends.
Don’t compromise yourself again.
A week ago, she asked me:
What does your golden hour look like?
Tell me about the first time that you looked into a downpour and found that you wanted to hold an individual droplet on your fingertip and watch it melt into your skin because that process of not-quite-involuntary-return was so beautiful-
so beautiful that you either wanted to fall in love with or fight and scream at the next stranger who passed you- so beautiful when you see all of those tiny links in the world like bright slashes of starlight- so beautiful when you realise that you’re all alone and unimportant-
A week ago, it seemed vital to respond:
My golden hour looks medical.
I tell her about the first time it seemed like truth had been warped but people still wanted to chop it up into tiny black and white pieces and separate them into old newspaper to be sold for a dollar- buy a wrong, buy a right-
the confusing thing was that nobody knew what right was and what right really was was arbitrary- particularly when it’s the last hour of your life and it’s crucial to stop the bleeding but all of the photo frames in your home are dripping- the nurse sighs and rolls up her sleeves because she’s seen this all before-
I looked back at her. She was disinterested. It began to rain when she left.
He tells me to prise open white bone/ take an axe to an edge of jagged cut snow/ burrow into the ground to hibernate and live
within that line.
His sentences are disjointed/ he’s a rabbit with it’s foot stuck in a trap/ fever’s grip: “I feel like I’m running out of time- I feel like
Can’t physically reach him through a receiver/ but he knows that now we’re looking down the barrel of the same gun/ I can’t speak his enemy’s language,
and he won’t translate.
There was a day handed to us:
-glass cup filled up to it’s brim with red dust/black soil/pink corals/silver fleck-
we drank it and we were fine.
We looked at each other laughing-
“the world will be ending tomorrow. It will:
spit out a flame tipped soprano to sing you into sleep;
gush poison into your child’s open mouth
with the fish they will drown;
gently wrap our bones in sweating palm fronds;
leave us alone to suck at our wealth from underneath the soil.”
We drank red dust together and we laughed
-you had started to tear your hair out because you’d always wanted
to shave it all off-
and we were fine.