This crawling juncture of sleepy smoke and eyes prised open-
Why not go?
I’ll drag myself through a drunken sunrise and emerge
Alert and sparkling clean-
You’ll be grasping the bones of my wrist looking dazed-
And I’ll laugh:
‘Have you ever seen it this beautiful before?’
A child’s frown-
‘But it’s ugly,
It’s fucked up, it’s a wreck.’
I was in love with it, a grey that one could sink into and nobody would look for you-
Submerged in a silence and a noise, a humming forest of slick concrete-
You look up and say:
‘I do like this rain though.’
We are soaked through.
My outline is blurry now
The fade from breath engaging with frost on a window in Autumn,
I’ve left her behind.
Scan for her body in the garden where I’m burying her slowly
as she decides to lay down;
A new heartbeat grows stronger every day
I feel tainted and confident and disgusted,
I want to leave it all behind.
Scan for my exhaustion, sweat layered under my cockiness
Her body’s in the garden,
I’m burying her slowly.
I dreamt last night that you’d died
you’d been shot by a child who looked like me 10 years ago
from the inside of a burnt building’s shell.
It was in the dream that I couldn’t stop crying
I woke up with dry eyes and a throat full of red sand
I’m still setting fire to your letters in my head.
Today was another day that I stepped back into that room
The one where flames licked the walls as you spat at me
You spat at me and told me that it wasn’t rape
Take my finger and point it at the head of a girl
Who got drank too much
Wore that dress
Said yes the first time
Today was another day that I stepped back onto that driveway
The one where the moonlight is pooling red around me
Your hollow teen eyes filling up with alcohol watching it happen
I wonder if you think about all those nights
And cringe now
I wonder if you’ve tried to push it down
Like I have,
Today was another day that I tried to please your ego
By being less loud, less opinionated, less intelligent, less brave
I’m a butcher everyday, I choose which chunk of myself to present to you
To make myself more palatable
So I’ll lie down next to you
All of you
Every single one